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Light bulb jokes
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How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll fix it in software."
How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.
How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they forgot to declare it first
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Yo momma jokes
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Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.
Yo mama's so fat, when she was walking in her jeans I swear I smelled something burning.
Yo mama's so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her.
Yo mama's so fat, her ass has it's own congressman.
Yo mam's so fat, she shops for clothes in the local tent shop.
Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on a train track, the warning lights went on.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks "Where can I try that on?"
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she takes up all the rings.
Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
Yo mama's so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop.
Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she plays the interior line.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears heels, they're flats by the afternoon.
Yo mama's so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts "The coast is clear."
Yo mama's so fat, she wakes up in sections.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial.
Yo mama's so fat, her yearbook picture is an aerial.
Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Yo mama's so fat, they used her for a trampoline at the Olympics.
Yo mama's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon.
Yo mama's so fat, when she put on some BVD's by the time they reached her waist they spelled "BouleVarD."
Yo mama's so fat, when she auditioned for a part in "Indiana Jones," she got the part as the big rolling ball.
Yo mama's so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says "Okay."
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Thing you don't do at a funeral
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1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phoney dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put crazy-glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
DO YOU HAVE JOKES?? WELL WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, SEND THEM IN TO ME AT: seahawks_r_num1@hotmail.com
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